


Leap of Faith

by velocitygrass



Series: Ever fallen in love? [30]
Category: Stargate Atlantis RPS
Genre: Difficult Decisions, Established Relationship, M/M, Partner Betrayal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-02
Updated: 2008-06-02
Packaged: 2018-01-26 22:56:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1705631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joe had suddenly seen in complete clarity where he'd gone wrong all that time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leap of Faith

**Author's Note:**

> McSheplets challenge #20: confession. Thanks to neevebrody for the beta! This is entirely a work of fiction.

"Oh, you're back already. We've already eaten. Do you want me to heat something up for you?"

Joe wasn't hungry, still he said "Yes" before carrying his bag into the bedroom.

He set it down and leaned against the dresser for a moment. His heart was beating wildly. The whole morning had gone by in a haze, and he still couldn't quite remember anything after... _that moment_.

A shiver ran down his spine as he recalled it.

He'd woken up with David in his arms, something that they didn't have very often. Their weekends at the cabin were few and far between on hiatus, and they were only ever able to spend a few nights together while they were shooting. This time David had sneaked into his room at the hotel where they both attended a convention.

Watching David in his arms, hair tousled from sleep, was a sight that made his heart soar. He hadn't dared to move, had almost tried to stop breathing, too afraid to disturb the image before him.

In that moment he'd felt an almost physical pain in his chest. He loved David. He couldn't remember when he'd first admitted it to himself. He _could_ remember when he'd first said it to him. It had been shortly after they'd gotten back together again, for the fifth time. David had told him then that if Joe ended it again, it would be the last time. And Joe had known it was the truth and finally accepted it.

That had been over three years ago.

Ever since then they'd been together, at least as together as they could be, considering they were both married to other people. His hands started shaking as he remembered what he was about to do.

It had seemed so simple that morning, like a flash of light brightening up a dark room.

He loved David. That hadn't been new. He reveled in being able to watch him sleep. That wasn't new either. The overwhelming affection that he felt, the need to take it all in and store it away forever was as familiar as the ache that he couldn't have it all the time.

But then he'd done something that he'd never allowed himself before. He'd imagined a life where he _could_ have it all the time.

Waking up next to David. Going to bed with him. Having breakfast, lunch, _and_ dinner. Watching him work. Watching him over the edge of a book or a newspaper. Watching movies with him. Making love with him. Going on walks and shopping with him. Fighting with him. Making up with him. Playing with their kids.

A whole world built itself up in his mind in more and more detail until Katherine had shown up in there and Joe had suddenly seen in complete clarity where he'd gone wrong all that time.

For six years, he'd fought with David, but mostly with himself, because he'd felt right through the core of his being that what they were doing was wrong. The lying, the cheating, the guilt. It had become a part of their life. But he'd never really accepted it. He'd only accepted that being apart from David was even worse, that while he couldn't live with the betrayal, living without David was not an option.

So they had continued their double lives out of necessity. Only Joe had been so very wrong.

Over the years, he'd tried to imagine his life without David. Every time he'd left him, he thought of a future with Katherine and the kids, but every time David had sneaked back in, stealing a kiss, a moment, a night in his mind. And Joe had given in.

It was wrong to be with David while he was married to Katherine. His solution to that problem had been to leave David. Four times he'd tried and failed.

But that morning in the hotel bed that they'd shared, Joe had finally seen how he could finally solve the unsolvable. Like a Gordian knot it was a painfully obvious, if radical solution.

He couldn't have his life with Katherine and the kids and be with David. He couldn't leave David. But his vision—he couldn't think of it as anything else—had shown him another way. When he thought of life with his family, David was always there, demanding his share of Joe. When he'd imagined his life with David, his kids had been there and so had Katherine, but she'd been nothing more than the mother of his sons. All this time, he'd tried to leave the wrong person.

David had woken up then, and Joe had buried his face in his neck, afraid to give anything away, because he hadn't quite grasped it himself yet—that maybe he could have a life where he was completely happy.

David had looked at him a bit strangely, but hadn't pursued it, favoring some morning sex with Joe instead.

Since then, Joe had hardly been able to think and at the same time had been unable _not_ to think—about the possibilities, about the consequences.

He wasn't blind to what it would do to Katherine and the kids. He tried not to think about Jane and her sons. That was another thing really. He didn't even know if David would feel the same. Joe knew that David wouldn't have married her if Joe had asked it from him. But he couldn't, because in all those years he'd never once considered that they could really be together.

And maybe it was much too late for that now. He could never ask David to divorce Jane. He didn't have the right. But he could make it right for himself.

Even if they'd still have to hide, Joe would be able to look into the mirror and look at his kids without feeling the weight of his guilt for once. That would have to be enough. He couldn't hope for more.

And a small part of him told him that he might lose everything. That Katherine would take the kids away from him and that David would leave him too. But he couldn't back down now. It had been so long that he'd almost forgotten what it felt like to be convinced of doing the right thing.

His hands had stopped shaking.

"Joe?" Katherine stood in the doorframe watching him with a puzzled expression.

Joe looked up at her. "We have to talk."


End file.
